Disclaimer: Tolkien owns
the Silmarillion.
Pairings: Aegnor x
Andreth
Characters: Andreth,
Aegnor, maybe Eru (mentions the Valar and Varda)
Warning: extremely AU,
canon character death, rebirth theories, hints at reincarnation, ghosts?,
mentions war and death, a bit on the cliche end of things
Song: Somewhere
Words: 1,050
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with (preposition): used
as a function word to indicate combination, accompaniment, presence, or
addition
To my beloved Aegnor,
I wish you would not
have mourned so desperately.
For lost love. For
lost vague hopes and unrealistic dreams. We always knew how our collision
was going to end--how the sparks would burst into the sky and light a fleeting
flame of passion before plummeting back to the dark earth as a dying puff
of smoke. We always knew that fate had not been kind to us.
We always knew it was
going to end. In all truth, it had never truly begun at all.
I was mortal and you
were elven-kin. We were at war, hardly the time to marry and host a
family, to create life in the midst of the dangerous threat looming intently
upon the horizon. It was not meant to be, our love. It was then, my
darling, that you should have forgotten all about me, about my dark hair
glistening in the silvered moonlight, about my fair face reflected upon
crystalline water, about my name whispered upon sweet lips and about the
touch of our hands against one another in the silence of solitary togetherness.
You should have
forgotten about the mortal woman and moved on with your life.
But you never did, is
that not so?
How would I know, you
ask, dead as I have been for so very, very long? Maybe I am not as dead
as you think I am. After all, how much do you understand of the world, of
the reality beyond the edges of tangible and corporeal, about the inner
workings of Eru Ilúvatar, our Almighty Father? Even the Valar know not
what waits in His final plan, nor do they know what is possible and what is not
for the hands that created the universe. Even the Valar know not the fate
of Men once they leave the circle of Eä.
How do I know? I
know because I have been watching. I never left, you must realize.
If you had moved on, if
you had married some lovely, lively, beautiful elven maiden upon the
golden shores of Aman and doled out a litter of elflings bigger than that
of Fëanor himself, I would not have cared, would not have let bitterness taint
the joy in my soul. I would have been happy--grateful that you were
granted the chance at happiness I myself was denied. I would not have
begrudged you delight of holding your firstborn or the warm comforts of a
family at your hearth. But even as I think this now, I understand why you
never did marry a simple, elegant elven wife and grow a broad family tree from
your seed.
For the same reason, I
imagine, that I never married a mortal man, that I threw away my youth and my
beauty and my potential for motherhood. I wanted no other but you.
And you wanted no other
but me.
In the Halls of the
Waiting, you languished in a state of emptiness, sundered from all but your
dark thoughts of what could have been and never would be, and the images
of my face, fleeting and aging through the years until I was wrinkled and
hunched and white-haired--an old woman long past her prime. You longed
and wished and prayed and denied and screamed and begged to die a mortal death
so that you might be at my side and not go on living forever to the End of Days
alone.
But you do not
understand. I never left. Not even for a moment.
Eventually you left the
Halls. Eventually you left Valinor altogether, left behind the dark looks
and the changeless glory because you could not bear to think of something
eternal, of perfection without your One. I know you better than you think,
my darling. I read your letters. I watched you wake to
nightmares. And oh! but I wish I could have stroked your golden hair and
told you that it's all right, my darling because I'm here and you are not
alone. How I longed to give you the comfort you so desperately needed and
denied yourself out of needless guilt and remorse. How I wished I could
show you that all was well, that I could reveal myself to your gaze and see the
despair turn to bliss.
Even now, upon the
distant shores of Middle-earth, the vast green plains dotted with villages of
men, all knowledge of elves nearly lost as your people flee to the West, you
wait for something, for a sign, for some redemption or rejection. You
wander and search tirelessly. At every lake beneath Varda's dome studded
in adamant, you stood still and gazed into the endless depths of clear water
and wondered if you would see my youthful visage staring back, or perhaps even
my faded form of old age with only the same eyes as unchanged as my spirit.
Be patient, my Aegnor.
I was born to balance that restless fire within you, but breathe my name
and hold still for but a moment. Be patient and watch the mist reflected
off the water in which you so desperately search, swirling up into the net
of the stars. Watch intently and do not dare blink or look away for even
a second. And maybe...
Maybe you will
see. Maybe the eyes that haunt your dreams will peer back and the hands
that run phantom caresses over your cheeks will reach forth once more to
embrace you tightly.
Because I am here.
Forever and always, I will stay by your side, with you until the world unravels
and the stars crumble to dust and all that is real is dissolved into darkness,
until the Firstborn join us in the Timeless Halls beyond the edge of Eä.
Perhaps, someday, we may
yet be reunited. The mysteries of Eru Almighty are many, and His mercy is
immeasurable. We may yet see one another again before the shattering of
the Door of the Night and the destruction of Anar and Ithil in our vast
skies. We are, after all, one spirit and one soul. One being.
Fated.
And I am always with
you.
Forever may you have my
undying devotion,
Your Saelind
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Fluffy compared to my
usual writing. This story actually also ties in a little with
"Ballad" in that it's got a similar theme of immortal x mortal
semi-forbidden, cursed romance. Aegnor and Caranthir go about their
grieving in different ways, though, I think. Anyway, this is Andreth's
reply to all the letters that Aegnor has been writing to her since leaving the
Halls of the Waiting during the Second Age.
I was listening to Somewhere by
Within Temptation, and you can see the lyrics had an influence on the direction
which this piece took. However, the song leans a little more towards
Aegnor's POV than Andreth's--after all, she's not lost at all, and she
certainly knows where he is. But it's a gorgeous song
nonetheless, and I know Morgana has written a short story to this one (though
that story is slashy, unsurprisingly). Explore if you've got time.
One last note:
references to Eru always have the capitalization of pronouns. So that's
why they're there. Tolkien was a Roman Catholic, and he created a
monotheistic legendarium. You can see it very sharply reflected in many
parallels throughout his works if you pay close enough attention. I just
always feel the need to emphasize that the Valar are not gods--more
like angels, actually. Sorry for ranting, but I needed to get it
out. At least if I put it here someone might actually read and listen to
it; when you say it out loud in real life people just get this really dumb,
confused look on their faces and go "wait, whut, I wasn't listening",
if you know what I mean.
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