Open

Mellow Soulmate AU.  Celegorm hides things from himself to protect himself from the truth.  He's not the only one.  All Sindarin names used.  I know no real setting is provided at all in the story, but it goes directly after "Shield" from yesterday, so that should be enough.  This story is pre-"Dust" and begins to transition from "All I Ask" where Lúthien is clearly madly in love with only Beren to "Mellow", where the new pairing is cemented.  I think the random anon who may never read this for the inspiration to write more of these two. :3.  Takes place in the Halls of the Waiting in the early Second Age.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Silmarillion

Pairings: Celegorm x Lúthien (not quite one-sided anymore)

Characters: Lúthien, Celegorm (mentions the Fëanorions but is pretty pairing-centric)

Warning: non-canon compliant, non-canon relationships, dysfunctional relationships, the river called de Nile, insanity, mentions of bloodshed, murder, torture and sadism

Song: The Other Promise

Words: 1,131
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
open (adjective): having no enclosing or confining barrier; accessible on all or nearly all sides; completely free from concealment; exposed to general view or knowledge; having no protective covering
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/open

It was obvious that, were he ever to heal his broken psyche and come to terms with all the ill-fortune that had befallen himself and his family, Celegorm would have to open up his shields and release all of the emotion locked tight in the back of his mind.  All the despair and bitterness and sorrow that she knew were lurking beneath his broad grins and starry eyes that never had come to light.

Every time he laughed, she could see little cracks appear in the façade he put forth to fool her or lure her.  Small amounts of tension and built up frustration were leaking slowly into his face and form--more and more each day.  He would snap irritably at the smallest, most innocuous comments, and a mere compliment or chastisement could bring tears to his eyes that never fell, unacknowledged and unwilling--unnoticed.  An ache resonated so violently with her own heart that his distress left her nearly breaking down in its wake.

For all that he tried to hide it, it was becoming increasingly evident that nothing but pain resulted from his closed nature, from hiding all the feelings he perceived as useless and weak and unnecessary.  He was distrusting and deceitful--toward himself and toward others.

And, though she was loath to admit it--even to herself--Lúthien desired his trust.  She desired to see the man that he was beneath the monster he created to protect and defend vulnerability and weakness.  She desired to see his true thoughts and true feelings and true tears. Every glimpse more she received of him...

Every little genuine smile without hints of threatening teeth and lust and fury...

Every sincere flash of joy that wormed its way into his voice as he remembered...

Every moment spent basking in the innate gentleness of his spirit when he was calm...

None of those would she ever have imagined on the face or in the heart of a Kinslayer.  A murderer and a warrior.  He killed in the cold blood and did not hide that reality from her sight, nor did he lie about the fact that he enjoyed toying with his victims and splattering himself with their blood and dishonoring their corpses with the soles of his boots.

It was what Celegorm didn't tell her.

Oh, he never outright told her falsities, but she knew he didn't tell the whole truth either.  Lies by omission.  Knew that, whenever he professed to loving the rush of the kill and the cries of the enemy beneath his blade, pain and hatred flashed in the back of his eyes, beneath the fire and the ice, directed inward as a poisoned dart.  

Knew also that, when he thought she wasn't looking closely, there too lingered aching guilt and regret as his stared off into the distant sky dotted with little white clouds.

Knew that, when he talked about the green forests and vast meadows of Valinor that had once been his home, his voice was nostalgic and longing.

Knew that, when he spoke of his many brothers and their wild days of carefree childhood, there was deep fondness and wistfulness, that he missed them terribly.

But never did he admit it aloud.  He wasn't open with her.  He was trying to hide from her that deepest part of his self which entranced her and which he found repulsive.  That free spirit locked up in a cage, not allowed to see the sunlight and not allowed to spread its wings and fly.  A little memory that Celegorm feared to dredge up lest it break all the walls he had labored to erect.  Lest he realize how much of his true spirit he had been hiding from his own gaze.

All these walls, she wanted to tumble down and leave as rubble, revealing something golden beneath.  Something beautiful.

And Lúthien did not know what had come over her that that deep inner self she knew was hiding left her breathless in want.  That a mere glimpse of the youth and sweetness left behind from before all the war and death and insanity left her heart pounding against the inside of her ribs, bouncing up into her throat until her voice crackled and died from breathless elation.

And she would not admit--even to herself--that she knew what these symptoms meant.  Knew what her heart and body were trying to tell her mind.

Couldn't accept that as the truth.

Maybe that was why she never pushed and never asked the difficult questions expecting revealing answers.  Never tried to delve too deep lest she upset the delicate balance hanging between their awkward silences and empty conversations.  Because she knew that, should he turn to her with those glorious silver eyes, wide and hopeful, and asked her if she was in love with him...

She would still say no.

And it would be a lie.  Even if it was just a lie of omission.  To him.  And to herself.

Everything she did, she did because she owed it to him after her own heinous crime.  Because she had used him and hurt him and thrown him aside without second thought and without any remorse, and he had never deserved her harsh treatment.  It was not out of need for forgiveness--and it most certainly had nothing to do with love--that she had undertaken this quest and drudged on through obstacles and uncertainty.

Absolutely nothing to do with anything but making things right.  She would not allow that particular cell--that prison incarcerating her darkest and most honest thoughts and desires--to open and release its tempting epiphanies.  Would not think in a direction that would only lead to more betrayal and more heartbreak.  For herself and for Celegorm.

His sweet smiles that left her insides fluttering were not important.  His soft, rolling laughter was a farce to win over her rational mind.  And his pain was not hers to take within her own heart.  They were not as one being.

She would reveal his secrets, comfort him and steer him back toward the light--would try her best to mend the war-torn remnants that would be left behind in the wake of turmoil and strife, stitching him back into a resemblance of that which he had once been--but remain only his confident and friend and nothing more.  Never would she--could she--open herself the same way before his eyes and risk the truth.  Before anyone's eyes.  For her own sake.

This was a mission and a punishment.  Nothing more.  And never could that be allowed to change.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As mentioned above, a random anon said they would like to see more of this pairing (which I have never seen shipped in a fanfiction seriously before) and thus got me thinking in this direction, especially after yesterday.  To be honest, this piece actually played out in an entirely different direction than I had originally intended.  It was going to have actual dialogue and conclusion, but instead made itself into a completely introspective look at character analysis and slow-burn romance.  I actually had intended for Celegorm to ask the question and for Lúthien to lie and say yes, but then she had to go and decide that she actually was falling in love with him a little sort of maybe kind of...

Yeah, that's how this stuff goes.  Admittedly, that's what makes it fun, but seriously.  Totally took off with me and I just held on for the ride.

The song for this lovely piece is The Other Promise from Kingdom Hearts (can't remember if this is from II or from 358/2 Days, but there is a piano solo version of it that I have and it makes me so happy...) by Yoko Shimomura.  Actually, this particular version is from her album Drammatica, but that's beside the point.  Is that not gorgeous?  Of course, if you didn't click on the link, you wouldn't know, but it is and I love it so much.  I can't say I like all KH music (let's face it, they steal half of it from Disney LOL), but it's definitely got the FF flavor in there with the beautiful melodies and the memorable characters.

I will stop dorking out now.  Besides, I have cleaning to do and ice cream to devour.